


Hope

by RebelWithHeartofGold



Series: Dean doesn't speak [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean doesn't speak, He can't, M/M, coda 12x23, its hard, season 12 episode 23
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-12-09 05:54:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11662977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RebelWithHeartofGold/pseuds/RebelWithHeartofGold
Summary: It's a dangerous thing





	Hope

After Cas' death, Dean didn't say a word. He locked himself in his room and pulled the blankets over his head and tuned out the world.

He woke up the next day and went to the kitchen and saw Sam sitting on the table. He was stirring his cereal, not saying a word. Dean didn't say a word and walked past him and grabbed a mug for coffee.

" _Dean_ ," Sam whispered.

Dean ignored him and resumed making his coffee. After it was done, he grabbed it and went to his room not before hearing Sam deeply sighing. Dean pretended he didn't hear it.

It's hard for him to sleep just like how it's hard to him to get up. Everyday he's reminded of the fact that Cas is gone. Everyday he wakes up to the nightmares that fill his thoughts. _Always of Cas._ Cas is dead and isn't coming back. He wakes up everyday and scratches a single line near his bed of the days he's been gone. He busies himself cleaning his guns and polishing them. He cleans his room twice that day and decides to leave for another mug of coffee.

On his way, he stops next to Cas' room and notices the door is a bit open. He can't go inside. **Not yet. Not yet.** He mumbles that to himself over and over again till he has the strength to shut the door. He walks to the kitchen and gets his coffee. Someone grabs his shoulder and he tenses.

"Dean," Sam whispered.

Dean doesn't say a word.

"Dean, please. I know-I know he's gone but you can't do this to yourself. Cas wouldn't want that," Sam says.

Dean can tell Sam's voice is a bit hoarse. He's been crying he assumes. But Dean doesn't have the strength to speak, doesn't have the strength to comfort. He's just so tired, so tired. Dean turns around and stares at Sam's eyes and notices they're red and rimmed with tears. He opens his mouth just a bit and closes them. He walks back to his room and shuts the door. He breaks his chair and lamp that night and punches the walls.

The next day, it's the same cycle but he tries to avoid Sam. He can't see him today, knowing it's been two months since Cas has been gone. Two months and nothing. Two months of nightmares. Two months of not seeing his blue eyes and hearing his voice. He prays to Cas every night in his head, hoping somewhere in this universe he's out there listening. There's no use praying to god, though that doesn't stop him. 'Please Cas, I need you. I need you with us. With me,' he prays every night in his head.  
He fills the the quarter of his wall near his bed will tally marks. Sixty days without Cas. Sixty days. He can't believe it, he doesn't believe it.

* * *

 

It's been six months and Dean hasn't said a word. The most Sam got out of him was a sigh and once he's caught him sobbing in bed at night. He knew Dean didn't want to see him so vulnerable and knew Dean would shut him out and close the door in his face. Sam searches and searches for ways to get back Mary and on the side ways to get back Cas. Cas. He remembers seeing the light coming out of his chest, eyes, and mouth. Remembers him falling to the ground and hearing Dean screaming no. Dean's last words spoken was directed at Cas. Sam buries himself in work and hunts occasionally. He knows if he stops, he'll stay in the bunker and not come out. He needs to be the stronger one this time. For Dean. For himself.

Sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night and hears Dean moving and grunting. Sometimes he hears Dean screams and that's the only time he hears his voice. But other than that, Dean doesn't speak. He knows what Dean is dreaming about and he knows Dean wants to be alone to let it out. Sam sometimes tries to get Dean to talk, but all Dean does is look at him, shake his head, or nod along. He doesn't stay out of his room for long and shuts himself in for the rest of the day and night.  
Dean is holding it in. He's hiding his emotions from the outside and burying them in to release them in the form of nightmares and tears. He wishes Dean would talk to him. He wishes he would say one word to him, but he isn't going to push him. He's not going to do that to him, it's not fair. Dean lost Cas. He lost someone he deeply cared about, deeply loved.

 

Sam notices after seven months, Dean leaving the bunker for a couple of hours sometimes even the whole day. After the third time it happens, he decides to check up on where he's going. He follows him and sees him standing where they buried Cas. Sam usually visits Cas twice a week maybe three times to tell him what has happened so far. Sometimes he gets so caught up in his research and hunting that he visits him only once, which he deeply regrets after.

He watches Dean standing and not saying a word, as he's done for the past seven months. Sam decides to go back inside to not eavesdrop on a private moment and goes back to his research. He spends his time and slowly he is unraveling ways to get Mary back which has proven to be difficult. He also keeps up to date on Jack. Jack who is going around the world fixing problems one at a time. He needs to find him soon so that maybe he can help them get back Mary.

"Maybe he'll bring back Cas," Sam whispers.  
He knows it's a small weigh of hope, but he can't help but think about it. If he brings him back, then the bunker would be filled with Dean's voice and his laughter again. His remarks and there would be a glint of joy in his eyes when he makes jokes. Maybe Cas will permanently move in and they'll all hang out and go on cases together. Hope is a dangerous thing, but Sam can't help but hope.

* * *

 

Ten months. Ten months of Dean getting up and doing the same thing over and over again except one thing has changed. Dean visits where they buried Cas everyday, every morning and night. He used to spend days here sometimes even nights, just staring at the dirt, hoping for some miracle to happen. It never does. He stands outside near the patch of soil and stares. He talks to Cas in his head, doesn't have the will to speak.

_Cas, I put a tally mark near my cabinet. The marks taken up my wall now._

_I tried to talk today, but it felt like I was choking on words_

_Sam is worried, he shouldn't be. He should look for mom, I'm just a useless broken shell now._

_He doesn't let me go on hunts, he's worried I'll get myself killed._

_Sometimes that doesn't sound like a bad idea.  
I haven't been in your room, yet. It's too hard._

_I miss you._

_I need you._

_I'm sorry I didn't try harder._

By the end, he'll be kneeling on the ground. Grabbing on to the soil as if he can grab Cas and pull him out of the dirt like he did himself years ago. But it never happens. He spends an hour or two kneeling on the ground just thinking of all his memories with Cas. He remembers when he first met him, the first time he trusted him, the first time they did a case together alone, and the first time he realized how much Cas meant to him. Tears start to sting his eyes as they pour down his cheeks and he places his head on the mount of dirt, not caring about how filthy it is. He wishes Cas was back, just like he will for the rest of his life.

**Author's Note:**

> If you wanna check my account up here's my tumblr http://rebelwithheartofgold.tumblr.com


End file.
